...a party that's happening tonight?
Well, there's Stab-a-Thon.
Stab-a-Thon?
Uh, it's a movie marathon. All seven "Stabs" back-to-back.
- We do it every year. - And it's tonight?
(scoffs) There's a killer out there
patterning his murders after the original movie.
I know. It's pretty wild.
- Well, you have to call it off. - Um, okay, I mean, it's Friday.
I'm sure we're not the only party that's goin' on in Woodsboro.
Where is this circle jerk gonna take place?
- So who's ready for this Q and A? - No, no. I really want the location.
You know, it's kind of an underground thing.
Email invites, pretty secret.
(chuckles) What, you're not gonna tell me?
Really?
We're working together. Remember?
(swallows) So you ready for that Q and A?
- Fuck you. - Let's go.
(door opens, closes)
(chuckles softly) That was awesome.
(talking indistinctly)
(sighs) I feel like I'm under house arrest.
You know when people say, "I know how you feel,"
but you know they're just saying that because they really have
no frigging idea how you feel?
I know how you feel.
I... am so sorry about Olivia.
I'm sorry about your publicist.
How do you handle it? People staring at you all the time?
People stare at me?
(both chuckle)
I could never handle that kind of attention.
I just... feel like it would take over your whole life.
Uh...
what I do is I...
try not to think about me.
I have people I care about. I focus on them.
And the rest, it, um, it works out.
You saved my life last night.
I mean, I know we're family, but you hardly know me.
Makes me wonder, you know,
if I'd have been brave enough to do the same thing.
I really hope you never have to find that out.
Well, if you need me, you know where to find me.
I'll be up in my cell. Or, I mean, my room.
Her room's all boarded up. That's the view from my cell.
(sighs) It's really weird.
(Kirby) I think Olivia would understand, okay?
She'd want me to be around other people.
Holy shit.
Even if I did just crash-land on Planet Dork.
Speaking of which, Trevor's here.
Hey, Kirby.
What is he doing there? That is so not his scene.
I have no idea. Maybe he thought you would be here.
Yeah, fat chance. After what happened last night?
I mean, my mom is just completely freaked out.
- It's not pretty. - All right, look.
You go do your "good girl" thing, and I will drink for the both of us.
- I will keep you posted. - All right. Be safe.
(rock music playing, indistinct conversations)
(crowd chanting in unison) Stab-a-thon! Stab-a-thon! Stab-a-thon!
(cheers and applause)
Thank you! Thank you! Gracias.
Shh.
Cinema Club thanks you for coming out for our third annual Stab-a-thon.
(cheers and applause) Safety in numbers, my friends!
Who's ready to drink every time someone can't get a cell phone signal?
(cheers and applause)
Who's ready to drink every time someone shuts the refrigerator door,
and oh, my God, there's a harmless character right behind it?
(hooting and cheering)
Who's ready to drink every time someone screams the word...
(all) No!
So let's get this Stab-a-thon started!
(cheers and applause)
(eerie music plays)
(cheers and applause)
- Hey, watch it! - Get out of the way!
- Down in front! - Move your ass!
Screw you! (angry shouting)
(dramatic music playing, audience hooting)
(glass shatters, audience cheering)
(softly) Yes.
(thunder crashes, audience cheers)
Oh, yeah. Back on my game.
(exhales) Perfect.
New work-in-progress, chapter one.
When I moved to Woodsboro, I never in a million years dreamed
that I would again play the critical role
in solving another series of these...
What?
What the hell?
(cell phone rings)
Gale, where are you?
I followed the kids to the Stab-a-thon.
There's an old abandoned farm on Fort Dillon Road.
Listen, I've got it under surveillance,
and I... I think the killer's about to make his move.
What makes you so sure?
You do a remake to out-do the original,
that's what the kids said.
This party is all about the "Stab" movies.
Come on! How meta can you get?
How "what-a" can you get?
I don't know. I heard them say it.
Dewey, listen to me, you have to get out here.
Come on, you catch the killer, I get the story.
It's a win-win.
Well, I thought you were going rogue, Gale.
Oh, co... are you serious? Come on!
(exhales) Forget it. Thanks for having faith in me.
I gotta fix my equipment. (beep)
Gale!
Shit.
(siren wails)
(man) Why don't you get more comfortable, baby?!
(light cheering)
(cheers and applause)
Bravo. Well... very well done.
Very, I'm very impressed.
I mean, kind... kind of impressed. Not really.
- That'll do. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah, she wants it, right?
(telephone rings)
(audience groans)
(cheers and applause) Ghostface! Yeah!
(ringing continues)
(woman) Don't answer it!
- Hello? - (Ghostface) Hello.
Who is this?
(audience talking along) Were you expecting somebody?
No.
(indistinct radio chatter)
(audience talking along) You know, I don't even know you,
and I dislike you already.
Hicks, how far are you from Fort Dillon Road?
- Five minutes at the most, sir. - Well, step on it.
(tense music playing)
Look out your window.
(audience screaming)
(camera whirring)
Gale! Gale, behind you!
Aah!
(grunts) (audience cheering)
Aah!
(grunts)
Gale!
(woman onscreen screaming)
Aah!
Freeze!
Aaah!
(Gale grunts)
(audience screaming)
Get out of the way, you morons!
Damn it.
Okay, put pressure on that.
Did you catch him?
No. Hopefully your cameras caught something.
- They weren't the only ones Dewey. - What?
There's a webcam that's hidden up there.
- It was watching me. - A webcam?
He's recording the murders.
What?
This time... he's making the movie.
Sidney Prescott detail, man. I don't... like it.
The cops guarding the house, they always get it.
- What are you talkin' about? - It's a movie cop rule.
Sucks to be a cop in a movie, unless you're Bruce Willis.
Not all cops die in movies.
No, but if it's your last day before retirement, you do.
If you're a rookie just found out your wife is pregnant, you do.
Or if your partner's better-looking than you, you do, and by the way...
(both) I win that one.
(chuckles)
You know what? I'll take the next perimeter.
I'll be right back.
Shit. I know this one.
You're not supposed to say that, are you?
Eh, new decade, new rules.
You know, these days, you might come back, find me dead,
eyes gouged out, tongue sticking out.
- Could go either way. - I gotta learn this shit.
(chuckles) I'll take this one.
Hey, Hoss.
Be careful.
I'm always careful.
Dead man walking.
(cat yowls, meows)
(wind chimes tinkling)
Perkins, was there a window open on your last perimeter check?
Perkins, come in, over.
(dog barking in distance)
(whispers) Anthony?
Perkins?
- Aaah! - Ohh!
- (laughs) - Damn it.
You should've seen the look on your face, rookie.
- (strangled grunt) - Hoss!
What the fuck? Aah!
Oh, shit.
(grunting)
(dogs barking in distance)
Fuck Bruce Willis.
(wind chimes tinkling)
Sorry! The wind chimes were over here.
That was me. I was trying to fix 'em, sorry.
I'm just back from the store.
You're shopping?
My stress buster. Got one more bag in the car.
Be right back.
(telephone ringing)
Jill? You gonna get that?
(beep) Roberts residence.
(Ghostface) You're a survivor, aren't you, Sidney?
Your one and only skill. You survive.
I have one question for you.
What good's it to be a survivor in this little drama
if everyone close to you is dead?
- Who are you? - Turn on the TV to channel 6.
Who the fuck are you?
Turn it on. Watch the teaser.
...nearly turned deadly tonight with the latest victims of these attacks
being the wife of the Woodsboro sheriff, Gale Riley,
AKA Gale Weathers who's in serious condition tonight after being stabbed.
Her assailant then disappeared in a sea of identic...
(laughs) Glad you came home, Sidney? Has it been worth it yet?
- Why are you doing this? - Ah, friends count.
But it's the family ties that cut deep, right?
Am I right?
What do you mean?
(chuckles) The ones you care about most.
And what's closer than family? The bond of blood.
- Don't. - You can't save them.
All you can do is watch. (laughs)
Jill!
Come on, come on...
Kate?
- Sid? - Jill's not in her room.
- Oh, my God. - She's gone to Kirby's.
You gotta call her and get her back here.
Okay. (beep)
(telephone rings) Come on, Jill.
- Leave a message. - She's not picking up.
- What's going on? - The killer called.
He's coming after me, but he wants my family first.
- Oh, God, Jill! - Let's get the cops.
- The cops aren't there. - What?
They were there when I first came in, but they're not there now.
Let's get to Kirby's.
Out the front.
(gasps, screams)
(both grunting)
Brace it from the bottom. Can you?
(pounding on door) Let's get outta here.
- (thud, grunts) - (whispering) Kate, come on!
Kate?
Tell Jill... I'm so... sorry.
Shh.
Kate?
Hicks? What are you doing?
I just saw somebody coming around the side of the house.
Where are Hoss and Perkins? I couldn't get them on the radio.
Whose blood is that?
It's... it's Kate's. We were just attacked.
- She's dead. - Where is she?
- Front door. - Show me.
Okay.
- Stay here. - Okay.
(radio clicks) This is Deputy Hicks.
I've got a homicide at the Roberts residence.
- No sign of Perkins or Hoss. - Copy that, we'll try to locate them.
I'm so sorry...
(tires squealing)
Hey!
Halt!
You're gonna be fine, all right? I swear.
No more "on your own."
It's you and me, forever.
One, two, three. (grunts)
Easy.
- Dewey? - Yeah?
Promise me somethin'.
Anything.
(exhales) Catch that motherfucker.
Absolutely. I love you.
You missed chaos. Utter chaos.
- I can't believe that. - The sheriff's wife, man!
She told us to cancel it, and we didn't, and now this?
- What are we supposed to do? - Robbie, calm down.
It makes sense. This is what the re-boots do.
They... they one-up the original ending.
The Woodsboro Murders ended at a party. So in the remake...
The party's the false ending. New rules.
Exactly.
Okay, no offense, guys, but I'm gonna put in "Stab 7."
- Nobody cancels my film festival. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't wanna watch that, not after what happened to Olivia.
Oh, come on, it was her favorite.
Oh, wow, Kirby. You got some classics here.
- Yup. - "Suspiria," "Don't Look Now."
You know it.
I could trivia your ass under the table, Cinema Boy.
Oh, yeah? Who played Leatherface first?
- Gunnar Hansen. - Wow. Did you feel that?
That charge that moved between us just then?
Oh, that was me. I have powers.
So sexy.
You guys are unbelievable. You're playing fuckin' trivia games?
The cops are gonna come for us. They're gonna shut down my website.
- We're so dead! - Yeah. I agree.
- Jesus Christ, where'd you come from? - The front door.
By the way, Kirby, with everything that's going on right now,
you probably shouldn't leave that unlocked.
Sorry.
And, um, may I ask what the hell you're doing here?
What? Didn't I find the after-party?
No, you found the anti-party, and it's invitation only.
Yeah, well, I got an invitation. From Jill.
- So, what's the story? - W... What?
You sent me a text message. "After-party at Kirby's house."
- I mean, it was from your phone. - What do you mean from my phone?
Where is my phone? I think I left it in your car.
I didn't text him. (sighs) I didn't text you.
And I'll prove it.
So, Charlie, Robbie.
How's it feel to be an accessories to a crime, huh?
I mean, really, Dewey's wife?
My life is over.
So which one of you guys sent me a text message from Jill's phone, huh?
(snorts, coughs)
We're just supposed to accept that you're telling the truth?
Isn't your phone missing?
- Got a new one. - Really.
Oh, that's incredibly convenient.
- Dewey, it's Hicks. - What's up?
- Kate Roberts is dead. - Huh?
And Sidney fled the scene.
What? What happened to Kate?
She was stabbed just like the others.
- What about Jill? - No sign of her at all.
Where the hell were Hoss and Perkins?
They were found dead in their car two blocks away.
(sighs) Multiple stab wounds.
Okay.
I'm on my way.
Yes, sir.
(siren wails)
Wrong number. (beep)
- Who was that? - Oh, nobody.
- Did you pick a movie? - Yeah. We're gonna go scary.
- "Saw 4." - Ugh, I saw that in theaters.
It sucks. It's not scary, it's gross...
(groans)
(sighs)
(groans)
Charlie, you want to sit over here next to me?
(chuckles softly) All right.
(beep)
All right, get ready for a "Hall Pass" with Robbie Mercer extra.
Now tonight, there is a good chance that Charlie Walker,
yes, my Charlie Walker, may get lucky with a girl.
Now I'm unable to, uh, divulge my exact location, however,
suffice it to say, Woodsboro High may be in store for some geek history.
We'll see.
(clears throat)
(distant thud)
Hello?
Who's there?
Oh, my God...
- Where are you going? - To make sure the front door is locked.
(doorbell rings, both scream)
No. Don't open it...
- (whispering) Hey, Charlie? - Yeah?
I'm sorry, I know you're into the movie and all,
but now would be a really good time to make a move.
For... me to make a move?
Mm-hmm.
Couldn't you make a move?
I just did.
'Cause you're actually pretty cute.
Especially when I'm scared and... lonely... and drunk.
Hey, guys, did... did you see Jill come in?
I didn't see her outside.
Yes, Trevor, she is upstairs.
Thank God you're here to protect her when you can't even find her.
There's nobody out here.
(chuckles) Oh, dude, I love this part of the movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just when you think they're all safe and comfortable in the house...
Ghostface comes in, and, bam!
Did I just interrupt something right here?
Shut the fuck up. (chuckles)
Who invited you, Trevor?!
(chuckling) All right. Clearly not you.
Wow. I'm gonna be upstairs. (exhales sharply)
Get out of my house!
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm a little drunk, so don't blame your internet connection.
(chuckles) Let's see what Charlie's up to, shall we?
Or the saga of Trevor and Jill.
Oh, the intrigue of Woodsboro High.
Who needs a killer around when there's so much drama?
(chuckles) Oh, man.
That's better.
(gasps) Aah!
Agh!
Wait, no, you can't! You can't! There's rules!
I... I'm gay! I'm gay!
I mean, if it helps.
(grunts)
...random girl who gets a call
that undoubtedly ends up getting her killed.
It's all so predictable. There's no element of surprise.
You can see ev...
Kirby!
I found my phone. It was up in your room.
There was no text message sent to Trevor.
He is such a liar. Where is he?
What do you mean where is he? He just went upstairs looking for you.
He's not upstairs.
Trevor?
Charlie? Robbie?
Maybe they're outside.
- (screams) - Jill.
Sidney, I... I'm sorry, I should've told you and Mom where I was going...
No, it's okay. It's just, I... I need you to come with me,
- Come with me right now, okay? - (gasps)
Run.
Robbie!
(screaming)
Go!
- Sidney! - (grunts)
Come on!
- The balcony! - There's no other way out?
We can jump. (thudding, wood cracking)
It's two stories. Where's your cell?
- Uh, here. - Get under the bed!
- What? - Just do what I say! Get under the bed.
Don't make a sound and don't come out until I come get you, okay?
- Just trust me. - Okay.
You got it? You're okay? Jill, run!
Just keep running, get help!
(telephone dialing)
(telephone ringing)
(grunts)
- (click) Hello? - Dewey!
- Sidney, where are you? - I'm at Kirby's.
The killer is here. I need your help.
- I'm on my way. - Okay.
(grunts)
Sidney? Sidney!
I need all units to 329 Whispering Lane.
All units, 329 Whispering Lane!
(sirens wailing)
Sorry. It's just me.
Look, I tried to call 911, but the landline's dead,
...and someone smashed the router - I think I got through on my cell.
Where's Jill? (footsteps overhead)
Oh, God. Go, go, go, go.
(lock clicks)
There's a room down here. We can lock ourselves in.
I heard you yelling to Jill. Did she get away?
I think she's safe.
(lock clicks)
(thudding)
- Kirby, let me in! - Charlie.
No. No, no, no, no.
I just found Robbie. This... this is his blood.
Please. Please. There is someone else out here.
Let me in!
If you can't trust him, don't open the door.
My God, let me in!
Get away from the door, Charlie.
Kirby, it is me. Please let me in!
Get away from the door, Charlie.
It's me!
(voice breaking) I'm sorry, I can't.
- What the fuck?! - (whispers) I'm sorry.
Behind you! Look out!
(grunts)
(gasps)
No! No, no, no!
(blows landing) Kirby!
(sirens wailing)
Oh, God, no, please. (pounds on door)
Leave him alone!
(cell phone ringing)
It's Charlie's phone.
(Ghostface) Tell Sidney heads are gonna roll tonight.
Tell Sidney it's all because of her.
Or maybe she wants to take his place. I promise to be quick.
- It's him. - Okay, okay. I'm gonna get Jill.
We should be in the same place. Just... just keep him on the phone.
I'll be right back, okay?
Let him go, please.
I hear you like horror movies, Kirby.
But do you like 'em as much as him?
Forget watching "Stab." You get to live it.
No, no, no, no, no! He's the expert! It's not me!
Warm-up question: Jason's weapon?
Uh, it's a machete.
There, you see? You do know the genre.
- Michael Myers? - Uh, butcher knife.
- Leatherface? - A chainsaw. Please!
Just ask Sidney if you need some help.
- Freddy Krueger?! - Uh, uh, razor hands.
Name the movie that started the slasher craze.
"Halloween," "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Last House on the Left," or "Psycho"?
- "Psycho"! - None of the above!
"Peeping Tom," 1960, directed by Michael Powell.
First movie to ever put the audience in the killer's POV.
What? Wait. No, no, no.
Please, just ask me one more question! Just one more!
All right, Kirby.
Then it's time for your last-chance question.
Name the remake of the groundbreaking horror movie in which the villain...
Uh, "Halloween," uh, "Texas Chainsaw," "Dawn Of The Dead,"
"The Hills Have Eyes," "Amityville Horror,"
uh, "Last House On The Left," "Friday The Thirteenth,"
"A Nightmare On Elm Street," "My Bloody Valentine,"
"When A Stranger Calls," "Prom Night," "Black Christmas,"
"House Of Wax," "The Fog," uh, "Piranha."
It's one of those, right? Right?
(exhales) I got it right.
I was fucking right.
(whispers) Jill?
I won, Charlie. I fucking won.
I won. He tried to beat me, but I fucking won.
Great, Kirby.
Hold on. Okay. Almost there.
Just hang tight. Okay. Okay.
- All right. - Kirby?
- Yeah? - This is making a move.
(gasps)
Four years of classes together, and you notice me now?
Stupid bitch!
- It's too late! - (grunting)
Shh. Shh.
Oh, I know, I know.
It's okay. Take your time.
Doesn't happen as fast as it does in the movies, I know.
C... Charlie... (gasping)
Charlie...
(grunting)
(door opens)
Kirby?
You know, you learn a lot when you watch movies over and over.
All the plots are about trying to kill you.
Where's Jill?
Oh, you think she's gonna get away?
You think anyone gets away?
(both grunt)
(grunts)
(gasps)
- Jill? - Hello, Sidney.
Surprised?
Watch this.
This is the part, my dear cousin, when the cameras turn off.
(grunts)
Charlie?
Already taken care of.
Man, I got great footage of my Robbie kill.
Better than Jenny and Marnie or Olivia even.
Good, we'll cut and upload it later and make it all traceable to Trevor.
Speaking of which...
- Remind you of anything? - Jill, please...
Shut up! Dick.
Everything I learned, I learned from you.
You think you had a shitty boyfriend, Sidney?
Here's one that fucks you, dumps you, and doesn't even make you famous.
Agh! What the fuck, Jill? I loved you!
Shut the fuck up already!
Agh! Aagh!
I'm sure those cops would want you to have this, Jill.
For your protection.
No.
Baby, please... baby, please...
Shouldn't have killed all these people, Trev.
Gone and put it on video even.
But it means a lot that you did it for me.
What the fuck are you talking about?!
I am not the girl you cheat on.
Aagh! Aaaagh!
I've gone through everything. We're definitely good on timeline.
Oh, yeah. We're perfect.
No, no, no, please!
- (gasps) - You should keep quiet.
Ready for act three?
Got it figured out yet, Sidney?
In keeping with our remake theme,
Trevor's this generation's Billy Loomis,
and we're the innocent victims, Sidney and Randy.
See, with you, the world just heard about what happened.
- But with us, they're gonna see it. - (screaming on video)
It's gonna be a worldwide sensation. I mean, people gotta see this shit.
It's not like anyone reads anymore.
We're gonna know fame like you never even dreamed of.
Last two teenagers standing.
This time Randy gets the girl.
You were amazing. You're the perfect victim.
I was so believable today, wasn't I?
I mean, I told so many lies that I actually started to believe them.
I really think that I was born for this.
How could you do this?
Do you know what it was like growing up in this family?
Related to you?
I mean, all I ever heard was Sidney this
and Sidney that and Sidney, Sidney, Sidney.
You were always just so fucking special!
Well, now I'm the special one.
You'll slip. They always do.
Hm. Come on, Charlie, let's get on with this.
You have to be strong. And hold still, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, old school, like Billy and Stu.
Come on, baby, get it up!
Come on. Shoulder me! Shoulder me! Shoulder me!
Get it up! (grunts)
The heart... That's not the way we rehearsed it.
You said it, Charlie. Billy and Stu, Trevor and you.
What the media really loves, baby, is a sole survivor.
Just ask you-know-who.
Trevor was your partner. But you, you were the idea man.
(gasps)
Even your friends.
My friends?
What world are you living in?
I don't need friends.
I need fans.
Don't you get it?!
This has never been about killing you.
It's about... becoming you.
I mean, for fuck's sake, my own mother had to die...
no great loss there... so I could stay true to the original.
That's sick, right?
Well, sick is the new sane.
You had your fifteen minutes.
Now I want mine!
I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go to college?
Grad school? Work?
Look around.
We all live in public now, we're all on the Internet.
How do you think people become famous anymore?
You don't have to achieve anything.
You just gotta have fucked-up shit happen to you.
So, you do have to die, Sid.
Those are the rules. New movie, new franchise.
There's only room for one lead, and let's face it,
your ingénue days, they're over.
(gasps)
Don't tell me you didn't know this day would come.
(ripping)
Aah!
(screams)
(gasps)
Oh, fuck!
(grunting)
(groans)
(sirens approaching)
Come on, let's move it!
(car doors closing)
He's gone.
Check the rooms, both sides and upstairs.
Yes, ma'am.
Jill, can you give us a description of the murderer?
(reporters shouting questions)
Jill! How does it feel to be a hero?
It's okay. You're gonna be okay.
Jill. You made it. That's all that matters.
Trevor, Charlie, they tried to kill me.
And I heard they killed my mom. And... and Robbie and Kirby, too.
Shh. Just lay back.
Try to rest.
Is... is your wife...
(chuckles softly)
She's gonna be fine. She's recovering.
If I ever write a book one day, I'd... I'd want her to write it with me.
We'd be a good team with our matching wounds and all.
We're survivors now.
(voice breaking) I just wish Sidney was, too.
Jill...
they're not sure yet.
It's still touch and go.
But she's in ICU.
And they think Sidney just might make it.
What?
But... but I saw Trevor kill her.
Look, we don't know yet.
But she's hanging on.
I... I... I wanna see her.
She's not awake yet.
And she may not remember anything.
You'll to help her with that.
All in time. Just get some rest now, okay?
(over PA) Your attention, please.
There will be a mandatory meeting for all non-emergency personnel
in the basement conference room in five minutes.
There will be a mandatory meeting for all non-emergency personnel
in the basement conference room in five minutes.
She gonna be okay?
Yeah. She's a strong kid.
She's gonna have to be.
(chuckles) She asked if you were okay.
She thinks you guys should write a book together with your matching wounds.
Why, she was stabbed in the shoulder?
How did she know I was, too?
Damn it!
You just won't die, will ya?
- (gasps) - Who are you?
Michael fucking Myers?
Yeah, I don't think so.
Fucking die already! (grunts)
Aagh! Aah!
(both grunting)
(screams)
How are those stitches?
Aagh!
(Dewey) Sidney!
Hicks, get up to Sidney Prescott's room and call for back-up!
Be right up, sir!
Sid!
- Sid... - Dewey!
(grunting)
Is this how it's gonna be, Sid?
The ending of the movie was supposed to be at the house.
I mean, this is just silly.
Consider this an alternate ending.
You're never gonna get out of this, Jill.
- Of course I will. - Dewey!
(gasps) Sid?
Easy. Okay, okay.
What about the book?
Looks like I'll just have to write it myself.
Yah!
- God damn it! - Ohh!
Don't even think about shooting or I'll blow Dewey's head off.
You think I won't do it? Gimme your gun!
Do it.
You heard her.
You just had to be the hero, huh?
Gimme your gun.
(Gale whispers) Give it to her.
What are you, deaf?
Give me... your gun!
Now get up.
And keep your hands over your head.
Don't do anything stu...
(grunts)
Don't fucking tell me what to do.
(softly) Oh, God.
Now get up, bitch.
Okay.
Get up!
- Now! - Okay.
She's not gonna help you. Come on.
(Dewey groans) Neither is he.
- Dewey? - (grunts)
Let's go. Get your skinny ass out here.
Okay.
I'm gonna enjoy blowing your head off.
Okay, but can I just...
have one final word?
What? "Please"?
No.
- Clear. - "Clear"?
Clear.
You forgot the first rule of remakes, Jill.
Don't fuck with the original.
Oh, my God, Dewey.
(groans) What hit me?
Don't ask. (groans)
You okay?
She was standing right behind me.
They always are.
(gasps)
Oh, God.
Nice one.
Hicks? You're alive?
Wear the vest, save your chest.
We got two officers down. Several injuries.
- And a new suspect. - Sheriff? Sheriff...
We need a doctor, goddamn it!
I don't know about you, but I feel a whole lot better.
Where the hell is everybody?!
We're live at Woodsboro Community Hospital,
awaiting a first public statement from Jill Roberts, survivor.
...a survivor of what is now being called the Woodsboro Massacre Re-boot.
Jill Roberts is her name, a name the whole world will now know.
...who single-handedly put a stop
to this 21st-Century Woodsboro killing spree.
Jill Roberts of Woodsboro,
a girl who's lifted all our spirits tonight,
an American hero, right out of the movies.
("Bad Karma" plays)
You better believe in karma
Baby, it's gonna sting
The wheel of life's gonna do you in
So I don't really have to do a thing
You made me drink the Kool-Aid
You tricked me into thinkin' that Jill means Jack
You are the firstborn of the Devil
But even he ain't takin' you back, back, yeah
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Baby, that's what you got
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Whether you believe it or not
The universe is gonna getcha
You'll be scratchin' the seven-year itch
You know what I think?
Bad karma's a bitch
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
You better believe in karma
Just look at the sorry shape you're in
There's a doll with your name and your gloomy face
At the department of doing a rush on your case
You better believe in voodoo, babe
I got a long list of your sins
There's a word you might have heard called payback
And I'm runnin' out of pins
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Baby, that's what you got
Bad karma
Oh! Yeah!
Whether you believe it or not
The universe is gonna getcha
You'll be scratchin' the seven-year itch
You know what I think?
Yeah, bad karma's a bitch
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da Bad karma's a bitch
Ba da da da da-da da-da
Ba-da da da da da
("On Fire and Out of Control" plays)
I don't have no sympathy, girl
That's the last you're giving, I'm sure
All the time I'm trying to
Be the man you want me to
But all I ever get from you is silence
Silence
I'm on fire
Out of control
I'm on fire
Out of control
I'm on fire
And out of contro-o-l
Stop me now
Somebody stop me now
S-s-stop me now
Don't stop me now
D-d-d-d-don't stop... don't stop... aah
I'm on fire
Out of control
Well, I'm on fire
Out of control
Baby, I'm on fire
And out of contro-o-o-l
("Run For Your Life" plays)
And morning comes with a meltdown
This town is needing a shakedown
We've been burning bridges for hours
Guided by higher powers
And rising up from the edges
This land is covered with faces
We've been praying for someone to lead us
The end of those who deceive us
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Her face is in every paper
And may we never forget her
A nation cries together
Hoping to remember
Look back at roads we have taken
As sleeping giants awaken
Wasting days till tomorrow
We'll beg, steal and borrow
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
It's not time to stand in line
If you want to change this
They'll make the world you measure by
If you let them take you
And hand you to the darker side
So everything's about you
It's not time to stand in line
Someone has to change this
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
Ooh-ooh
If I was you
I would run for your life
("Say Hi" plays)
Well, the devil got my number
And the devil got my size
And the devil got my head
And the devil got my eyes
I'm tryin' hard to get up
Lest he make it to my heart
'Cause I wanna make it back
From the dark, dark, dark
Aha-ha, yeah, and aha-ha, yeah
Well, aha-ha, yeah, and aha-ha, yeah
Aha-ha, yeah, and aha-ha, yeah
Aha-ha, yeah, and aha
It used to be
It was just my house
And it used to be
It was just my tongue
But the devil's caught on
Like the teeth of a shark
And I wanna make it make it back
From the dark, dark, dark
Oh, woe is me indeed
And a woe is me indeed
Oh, woe is me indeed
And woe is me indeed
Oh, woe is me indeed
And a woe is me indeed
Oh, woe is me indeed and woe
See, the devil got my address
See, the devil got my car
And the devil ain't no novice
And the devil ain't no liar
I’m tryin' hard to get up
But he made it to my heart
So I cannot make it back
From the dark, dark
Dark